


Every Light

by Goddess_of_the_Night



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, I swear it ends happily, M/M, Sappy, Suicide, but not really graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 01:44:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3791974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goddess_of_the_Night/pseuds/Goddess_of_the_Night
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus dies in the Final Battle and Harry struggles to cope with the loss.</p><p>"How long can someone last? How long can they live with half of their heart missing?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Light

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote and originally posted this in 2005, just months before the Half-Blood Prince book was released. So this was complete conjecture on how the final battle would go, or certain characters still being alive for it.
> 
> Italics denote lyrics from "Every Light in the House is On" by Trace Adkins

How long can someone last? How long can they live with half of their heart missing? I guess we'll see, won't we?

When all this started, I never would have thought it would turn out like this. To be honest, I never thought it would have started at all. But what does that matter now? What's done is done, and I have to live with this variable that I cannot, and never could, control.

I remember how it started, all that time ago that really wasn't that long. It was my seventh year at Hogwarts, though it wouldn't be fair to say it would be my last; I knew that if I didn't defeat Voldemort that year that I would have to stay within the confines of the castle walls for "safety reasons". In truth, Dumbledore would just want to make sure I continued training and wouldn't abandon the Wizarding World to its own devices. That's when I knew I needed a reason to stay and actually fight to save a world that had come to despise me, and I it in return.

That's where you came in.

I trained with you almost constantly. I mastered Occlumency, Dueling, Sword fighting and even Wandless Magic, which surprised even you. You never saw it coming, my attraction for you that rivaled yours for me. Don't worry; I was surprised at first, too.

We both made it clear that we wanted a true relationship - one that could withstand anything - after our first night together. Neither of us wanted a one-night stand and neither of us settled for it. We barely engaged in sexual acts because we both needed something more: something deeper, purer, and more meaningful than that. I think, deep down, we were both scared that if we did those things too often, that the other would only want that. We need not have worried, though, for we were in love. Unwaveringly.

It's a pity no one else could see it.

I remember the first time you were called to a meeting while in my presence after we got together. We had been lying on your couch, simply holding each other as we watched the fire when your left arm began to burn. I childishly tried to hold on to you, to stop you from going, but you would have none of it. I knew your life was in danger if you didn't go; even more than if you did.

"Please, Severus," I can still hear my own pleading voice, "be safe. Come back to me."

You leaned down and kissed me so tenderly on my lips for the briefest of seconds, and it was enough to remind me why I cared so much about someone I should never have had feelings for in the first place.

"I will come back to you. Trust me, Harry."

I nod my head and remember something you told me once when we were deciding the rights and wrongs of our relationship, "I'll leave the light on for you," I promised.

You smiled one of your small genuine smiles at me, and I could see your eyes glitter with tears at the words, "Thank you," was all you said before leaving. You had told me that what you wanted most in the world was for someone to come home to, who you knew would always be there no matter what. To come home and see even one small light on that was left as such by someone else because they didn't want you hurting yourself coming in. I promised I could do that, so that night I showed you I would.

 _I told you I'd leave a light on_  
_In case you ever wanted to come back home_  
_You smiled and said you appreciate the gesture_  
_I took your every word to heart_  
_'Cause I can't stand us being apart_  
_And just to show how much I really miss you_

There were many nights after that where you left me to attend a meeting for _him_. Not Voldemort, but Dumbledore. You _went_ for Dumbledore and _came back_ for me. Every time you left, I would leave the same light on and wait on the couch for you to return. Most of the times I would fall asleep while waiting and only awake when you picked me up in your arms and carried me to our bed.

During the summer following my seventh year, Dumbledore let us leave the castle and stay the whole of break in secluded Godric's Hollow. Of course, he made sure we were properly protected and only left after we had promised we would fire call if anything went wrong.

You began being summoned more frequently and would be gone for longer periods during our stay there. The longer you were away, the more lights I turned on; it didn't take long, really, for every light in the house to be turned on on these nights. Whenever you came home to find the house completely lit, you would take extra time and care to promise me you were alright and reassure me that you would never leave me permanently.

We knew the time of The Great Battle was drawing near, not only from your disappearing so often, but also from my impeccable sense for trouble. It finally happened as I was visiting Dumbledore at Hogwarts one day. The whole Order was there having a meeting to make plans, except for you since you had been called away earlier that morning. Somehow, which remains a mystery even now, Voldemort and his gang of Death Eaters - yes, including you, my dear Severus - broke through Hogwarts' extensive wards and attacked us.

I was fighting something like five death eaters and one threw the killing curse at me which I saw out of the corner of my eye just a second too late.

But it didn't matter, because you ran to me and pushed me out of the way before it could even graze me. If you had been killed from that, I don't know what I would have done with myself. But I guess my sheer, dumb luck had rubbed off on you somewhat, because you weren't hit with it, either.

However, the action didn't go unnoticed by Voldemort, who quickly made his way over to us. We hastily jumped up, wands at the ready, and he spoke.

"Severus, tell me I did not just witness what I thought I did," his cold voice echoed over everything else, but you didn't answer...wouldn't even look him in the eye. I don't blame you.

"Severus, show me where your loyalty lies. You are a dear follower, so I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Cast the Cruciatus on the boy and all will be forgiven."

You did look up at that, and even though your eyes were obscured by the mask, I could clearly see the heated hatred within the midnight depths, "No," I heard you growl.

And with that one last word, he hit you with a curse I had never heard of before. You fell to your knees, coughing up blood as your wand slipped from your hand. My vision turned red, and all I could hear was your wheezing sobs as I raised my wand once more to curse the sadistic bastard in front of me. He accio'd my wand out of my grip, but I didn't really notice as hot tears brimmed over, out of my eyes.

Voldemort was laughing and I couldn't take it any longer. For seven and a half years he had been doing things like this to me, but this was one he would not get away with. I screamed out my frustration as I lifted my hands, open palms facing me. I didn't really notice the bright white light gathering there, the crackling of the raw magic just barely reaching my ears where I still heard you wheezing and coughing. Without truly knowing what I was doing I had thrust my right hand out, shooting the gathered magic towards Voldemort, and he was gone.

I guess I completely obliterated him. At least, that's what I'm told. After I did it, though, I fell to my knees beside you, gathered you into my arms and rocked you as you continued coughing up blood.

"It's alright, Severus. I'm here."

"I'm...I'm...Sorry, Harry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. He's gone now, and we can finally be together in peace."

You shook your head against my chest, "No. I'm dying. There's no counter-curse for this."

"But you have to be okay," I sobbed, "I can't live without you."

"You have to. Please, Harry, promise me you'll live on."

I shook my head, "No...I can't. Severus, please! Don't make me promise something I might not be able to keep."

You were silent for a few seconds, and I would have feared you had passed on had you not continued to wheeze, "Then promise me...promise me..." I could see you slipping away, struggling to hold onto consciousness.

"I can't," I sobbed desperately, "I can't."

"Light," you gasped out, "think. Me."

I nodded at that, "Yes. I'll keep a light on for you. In case you want to come back home."

You smiled weakly at me, "I love you, Harry."

"I love you, Severus," I kissed your cold lips one last time, and then you were gone. I sobbed, not caring about the battle going on around me as I held you close to me and cried.

In the interviews, they asked me where I got my inspiration to perform such powerful wandless magic, and I responded: "Love is the greatest magical inspiration. It can make the Lightest Curses lighter and the Darkest Curses darker. He had taken away the one thing in my life that I loved most and needed more than air, and I was not going to let him get away with that."

I guess you could say I killed the bastard for a selfish reason, but is that not okay? I have done two selfish things in my life. _Two_! The first was even going after you at all, because people told me I didn't have time for a relationship; that I should be concentrating all of my spare time on defeating the dark lord. I needed you as much as you needed me. Without you grounding me, I know I would have disappeared into the Muggle World, leaving all those unworthy of my help. But you would have remained there, and I could not handle the idea that I left you to die. Fuck everyone else, it was you I was worried about, and you I stayed for.

Since your death, I have remained at our house at Godric's Hollow, and every night I turn every light in the house on. I miss you so much, Severus, and I'm glad I never promised you I would live without you. It's been almost a year since I lost you. A year in three hours, actually.

 _Every light in the house is on_  
_The backyard's bright as the crack of dawn_  
_The front walk looks like runway lights_  
_It's kinda like noon in the dead of night_  
_Every light in the house is on_  
_Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone_  
_Every light in the house is on_

I know you wanted me to live on without you, but do you understand how unfair of a thing that is for you to ask of me? Would you really be able to go on without me? You've said you wouldn't, and I believe in that. I'm warning you right now, Severus, that if you don't come back before the clock strikes midnight, I will turn the lights off.

 _If I should ever start forgetting_  
_I'll turn the lights off one by one_  
_So you can see that I agree its over_  
_But until then I want you to know_  
_If you look south, you'll see a glow_  
_That's me waiting at home each night to hold you_

I wait, just as I've waited for the past year, even while people told me I was idiotic and insane for leaving all my lights on constantly. I've waited for you, just as I know you've been waiting for me on the other side. Tonight, my love, neither of us will have to wait any longer.

It's 11:30 now and I walk around the house, slowly turning the lights off as tears burn their tingling trail down my cheeks that are all too used to the feeling. As I walk into our bedroom and lie down on the bed, the only light left in the house is one single candle burning on the bedside table; not even my eyes have light in them anymore. Not since the day you left.

As the clock strikes midnight, I hold my breath as I drag the dagger up my right arm, then my left, before turning and blowing the candle out. It doesn't take as long as I thought it would for the blood loss to effect me. I can feel the tingling of my right pointer finger and thumb from turning off the lights earlier, and the dull ache of my arms where the crimson sorrow leaks out. I'm not scared of dying, as you might expect by now since I've been telling you everything tonight. However, it may come as a surprise to whoever finds me to see a smile on my face, and every light turned off after so long.

I know it's finally over when I find myself walking through the infamous bright light and end up at the edge of the sidewalk that leads up to our house in Godric's Hollow. Every light is on.

 _Every light in the house is on_  
_The backyard's bright as the crack of dawn_  
_The front walk looks like runway lights_  
_It's kinda like noon in the dead of night_  
_Every light in the house is on_  
_Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone_  
_Every light in the house is on_

As I open the door and look into the living room, I find you sitting on the couch. You smile brightly at me and I run to you, finally holding you again.

As you hold me tightly against your body, placing feather-light kisses on my face to stop my tears, you say, "I thought I told you to live," you try to sound mad, but your smile gives it away.

"I am," is all I say, and you nod before kissing me the way you used to.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one-shot and will not be added on to in any way, shape, or form
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts on this. I know it's tragic, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway!


End file.
